Unique Soul Mate

My French friend Karl used to said, “Unique soul mate doesn’t exist.”

Recently I watched the movie “Before Sunrise” and “Before Sunset”. After I watched them I would like to add another line on Karl’s word—“Perfect soul mate doesn’t exist either.”

In these two movies, Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy are precisely the perfect matched lovers that people always pursue in their lives. When I said “perfect” I refer to their index of compatibility –intellectuality, appearance, and sensuality, which is something that we didn’t know from “Before Sunrise” but it revealed the answer in “Before Sunset”. They must also be compatible on sex otherwise they wouldn’t have it twice at one night.  Because they are the perfect lovers for each other therefore Julie was always disappointed of every relationship she has had after Ethan. And Ethan could not find the happiness even though he married a woman who is better than him in many ways.

But how many people have the fortune to find the one in their life who is perfectly compatible with us, as if the circle which lost a corner of itself and finally find it back? Most of us are just not that lucky.

Mr. A is Prince Charming but lacking a brain; Mr. B is a genius like Leonardo Da Vinci, but needs a Takeshi Kaneshiro’s mask to cover his face; Mr. C is smart and handsome but needs to improve his skill in bed. Finally there is a guy who has everything we want, but too shame he is in love with someone else.

Perhaps the real soul mate doesn’t ever exist. It is the theory that Karl always tries to convince me – there is no lover that is irreplaceable. This one gone, the next one comes. We shouldn’t cling to the one who broke our hearts. The next guy will be better. (It’s also possible he’d hurt you deeper though.)

However I like what Julie Delpy said in “Before Sunset”. She said she always remember the detail from each person she met. For instance, the sunlight shines on Ethan’s beard like gold. Those details always touch her heart whenever she recollects this person and that makes each person unique and the memory about this person becomes irreplaceable.

It reminds me someone I used to like. We were co-workers and he always walked me to the train station after work. The happiest fragment in this relationship was not passionate kisses and hugs we had, but it was once we were in crowded cabin on the train, he seek a seat for me to sit down. He was standing in front of me with one hand holding the loop. He lowered head and looked into my eyes silently, and gave me a very gentle smile. At that moment I felt I was his little girl who was to be loved and protected. That smile is always unforgettable to me.

But that was a piece of insignificant detail that I believe he even wouldn’t remember. After that I could never find anyone that would give me that same kind of smile.

Although Ethan and Julie are the perfect couple in the movies, my opinion is that beautiful feeling probably only exists at the circumstance that when two people encounter unexpectedly in foreign land during the compressed time. Therefore they could have non-stop conversations as if they must pour out everything from their life in the short several hours to each other. If finally they have married, the discussion topics wouldn’t just be romantic like life, ideal, love and art; they would also talk about gas price or diapers.

More the shorter love, more the eternal memories. Someone who is nearly perfect in our heart is normally not the one to be with us in the end.

If you have choices, would you rather be the one who is an irreplaceable spark like a shooting star, or the one who is not so special, but is able to walk with him till the end of life?

**************************************************

我的法國朋友Karl曾經對我說過：「獨一無二的情人不存在。」

最近我把Before Sunset，以及九年前的Before Sunrise都租來看，看完之後，我要在Karl的話後面再加一句：「完美的情人也不存在」。

在這兩部電影裡，Ethan Hawke和Julie Delpy正是許多人一生追求的完美情人的形象──我所謂的完美是指兩個人之間的速配指數──精神上的契合、外型上的登對，還有第一集裡沒有交代，在第二集揭曉的他們到底有沒有做愛，想必在性方面他們也是很融洽的，不然不會一個晚上做了兩次。正因為他們是彼此生命中最完美的情人，以致Julie對後來的每段戀情都感到有所缺憾，而Ethan即使娶了一個比自己在各方面都更好的妻子，生活還是不快樂。

然而有多少人的一生中，可以幸運地碰到各方面都與自己搭配得如此完美的人呢？那就像是缺了一角的圓，終於找到失去的那個部分。大多數的我們都沒有這個福氣。

A有著你夢寐以求白馬王子的外型，可惜說話的時候言不及義；B才華洋溢有如達文西再世，可惜約會時你老是想叫他戴上金城武的面具；C一表人才又聰明過人，可惜在床上沒什麼性趣。當你終於找到集ABC優點之大成的男人，可惜他愛的卻是別人。

所以，真正的soul mate大概並不存在吧？這也是Karl一直對我闡述的論調，沒有一個情人是無可取代的，走了這一個，還會有下一個。因此不需要過分執著在那個讓你傷了心的，下一個男人會更好。(當然也有可能下一個傷你更深。)

然而我還是喜歡Julie Delpy在Before Sunset裡面說的一段話。她說她總是會特別想念某個情人的某個小細節，例如像是陽光映照在Ethan下巴鬍子上面的光芒。這樣的小細節讓她在回憶這個人的時候非常感動，也因為這個細節，讓每個情人都有了獨特性，都是生命中無可取代的一段記憶。

我想起過去喜歡過的一個人。那時候我們在同一個地方工作，每天他會送我去火車站搭火車。那段戀情讓我感覺到最幸福的一個細節，不是那些個月台上難分難捨的吻和擁抱，而是有一次在擁擠的車廂裡，他尋著一個座位讓我坐下，一隻手拉著吊環站站在我面前。高大的他低頭望著我，人群之中我們沒有交談，可是他給了我一個很溫柔的微笑。那一刻我在他的面前變成一個受他保護與寵愛的小女孩，他的那個笑容是我一直很難忘的。

但是那是一個多麼微小而不重要的細節，我相信他根本不記得曾經有過這樣一個片段吧？只是後來再也沒有一個男人，以同樣的姿勢，給我同樣的笑容。

電影中Ethan和Julie雖然是那麼完美的一對，可是我認為那樣美好的感覺，大概只能存在於時間被壓縮、距離被拉長的異國邂逅吧？因此他們才能這樣沒日沒夜地聊個不停，像是要把這一生的話都在短短的幾個小時裡向對方傾吐。如果最終他們結婚了，談論的話題就不會只是生命、理想、情愛與藝術這種聽起來浪漫的話題，多半也要說說今天的油價又漲了、該給孩子買尿布了這種小夫小妻的日常瑣事。

越是短暫的愛情，在記憶中越是永恆。那個在我們心中最接近完美的戀人，恐怕都不是最後跟我們在一起的人。

如果可以選擇，你會寧願做那個如曇花流星般短暫卻無可取代的情人，還是柴米油鹽般平淡卻能夠與他相守一生的伴侶呢？

Comments

[Anais]

Karrie,
I don't understand your question. We were talking about movie here. It has nothing to do with my personal life.

[Karrie Winters]

Anais,

I have an important question. Was the guy who was everything you wanted E?

[dunk]

hai!! i am come from malaysia . i m very like u web side . so now..........hey !i m just want say > to u .其實我是想來和你打個招呼及本人我小妹很喜歡你的作品 . 日后我有空會再MAIL你 , 可能你很忙不會回我,但不要緊當作是我自問自答(蠻白癡的),感覺還不錯 . 放心我是正常的 . !!BYE BYE !!!!!! HOPE U HAVE A NICE DAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Chat Noir]

這一篇文章讓我很感動。過去的我也許會選擇轟轟烈烈完美的愛情，現在的我，正試著讓自己珍惜平淡，珍惜所有。

這就是長大吧。

[cecile]

hello, i stumbled on your blog while i was reading up on before sunset. i've been wanting to see the movie for the longest time because i loved before sunrise but i was scared to watch it coz i feared all the questions i'd start asking myself after.

i just finished watching the movie and i am bittersweet, confused and giddy all at the same time. theology class in university rammed in my brain that Love is a Decision. You choose who you fall in love with. It's not a feeling. Its a rational choice/commitment. I didn't quite like how it sounded back then but it was a very convenient answer to the question of love. I've always thought that once I found someone ok, i'd make the decision to love him. But ive met quite a number of good ones already but the feeling just isn't there. im numb.

i'm sure jesse wanted to love his wife. he just couldn't. so now i know that love is not just a decision. its something else. i don't know what yet. but its not just that.

as for your question, i think no matter what you choose, something inside of you will still die and ache. you just have to hope that there are other things in store for you.

btw, i really like it that you translate your blog to chinese also. my chinese reading skill is deteriorating and its good to practice on something other than entertainment news.

i hope i'm not intruding too much.

[sld]

柴米油鹽的平淡裡, 依然可以有那個如曇花流星般短暫的情人曾經帶給你的感動和幸福, 這兩種不相衝突說. 只是因為在柴米油鹽裡, 因為天天相處在一起習慣了, 因為一些瑣事紛擾, 就忘了珍惜對方忘了感動, 所以覺得很平淡. 但是如果時時刻刻都很珍惜, 不要把一切當作理所當然, 那即使是柴米油鹽的平淡, 依然時時刻刻可以發現感動和幸福.

我是這樣覺得的啦.

[Justina]

我覺得妳好貼心
會在英文下面附上中文
讓英文程度比較差的我可以藉此訓練一下

我們有買你的"不用筷子"喔

[karl]

Life without pain doesn't exist, Life without accidents doesn't exist, etc. It doesn't mean that we have to be extra-careful or a danger-lover, just to be conscious about it.

The fact that we can loose things is a point and I'm not sure it's that bad. We are living in a time where people don't know how to cope with the loss of things. Exactly like death which has become clinical since the creation of hospital. We don't see anymore the beloved ones dying, like it was the case before. People were dying at home.

All biological processes are about losing and creation. Sometimes we just have to let it go.

[think too much]

Is it better to want something forever and keep it in a favorable light (because you didnt get it)...or is it better to finally have had what you wanted and feel the pain of losing it. I sometimes think that wanting and never have had may be better because then its always perfect. Once you get it, its gone before you can blink and you have to deal with the agony of loss. True, its best to treasure everything for the seconds you have it and you feel like you have everything when you do, but what then about the cost of losing. To feel the pain that is caused when what you wanted can no longer be, its like losing a part of yourself. How do you recover from losing everything you thought you had? Maybe being delusional about things being perfect without really ever knowing is better? I just dont know. Its even worse if its taken away without warning. Desire can be a tool of destruction and it can be the wings that set you free.

[karl]

You said: """If you have choices, would you rather be the one who is an irreplaceable flash like a shooting star, or the one who is not so special, but able to walk with him till the end of life?"""

What about being a shooting star and sees how long it lasts. In the sense that the second question has no real answer. We are never able to know at the starting of a love story, if it will last until the end of life. Love and Life are flowing process. You never know what will be the next step. You can try to have some directions, it doesn't mean the weather forecast, the country side, etc will not play against you, or more exactly will modify the conditions of your journey.

Love life is really something you can judge only at the end of your life, looking back at your memories and saying "Yes that was great". Maybe this "was great" will be about one night, one day, one week, or your whole life but it doesn't matter. It was that moment, that perfect moment.

Those who get married saying that's the man of my life are fooling themselves. Not that I say it's bad to fool ourselves, we always do ;) It's what keep us going. But this is something you can't know in advance.

Love and Relationships are two different beasts, I would add sex too. All of these might work well together but it's not a requirement. A bit like an artist. An artist, painter for example, will love his models maybe for one moment, maybe for a longer time, but what he's doing is using this love to make an art of life and creates painting. We all create things social, art, put things into relation.

Life is an adventure, with many things to explore. It's not something predefined and fitting in a box. Life is a continuous exploration like art, love, sex, food, etc. Everything around us.

[Bin]

前些時看了Sunset，非常著迷
四處蒐羅導演Richard Linklater的每一部片子來看
包括「Tape（台譯溫柔地強暴我）」、「The School of Rock（台譯搖滾教室）」

最近又看了兩部很棒的愛情片
很適合我們這些「談過戀愛、痛過」的前中年
一是「Closer（台譯偷情）」、「Sideways（台譯尋找心方向）」

千萬不要錯過
是啊，我還是愛看電影、愛喝酒…

[Anais]

Thanks Jose.
Who is Mr. C? Too many to name one.

[Jose]

It does not matter which one you choose, as soon as you do you will wish for the other. Happiness, like sadness is only temporary, but we should enjoy it while we have it. I hope you can find some happiness soon.

Your friend,

Jose

P.S. I still want to know who is Mr. C

[Yachi]

不好意思, 想再告訴妳一下,看了 Sideways 沒?
Oscar Award 星期日就到了, 看一看吧!
是喜劇劇情,這男主角離婚後已迷惑了2年,
最後....妳帶張面紙進去盡情哭笑吧!Chao!

[Yachi]

By the way, the love in Before Sunrise and Before Sunset is very pretty, but hurts A LOT.
I feel that the beauty of their love is the distance between them. They addicted to the love that they coudn't get. They dreamed about each other that they couldn't meet. Their efforts of searching and looking for passion made them even more hunger for each other. Their love eventually became extremely painful.

When I was walking out the theater after seeing Before Sunset, I felt that their love was so painful that they had to leave each other again after the re-union. Jesse still had to go back to his kid and family and Celine continued to devote herself to protect the environment in the would. Their love became a legend, after the fugacious spark in Paris......

Wish you well and happy soon and sooner from Philly.

[Yachi]

[越是短暫的愛情，在記憶中越是永恆。那個在我們心中最接近完美的戀人，恐怕都不是最後跟我們在一起的人。]....就是短暫才能在記憶裡永恆,只有無法相守的戀人才完美. 總不好讓妳看到臭襪子亂丟,東西亂放,吃完碗筷也不隨手放到洗碗機,牙膏蓋也不好好蓋回去,每天的郵件總要等到連帳單都過期了還不知堆在哪,只想跟狗狗貓貓玩也不幫忙清理屎尿,一有球賽就抱著電視啥也不管,諸如此類. (敢情我把姊妹們對另一伴的抱怨都寫上來了!)

[如果可以選擇，你會寧願做那個如曇花流星般短暫卻無可取代的情人，還是柴米油鹽般平淡卻能夠與他相守一生的伴侶呢?]
結婚擇偶前,我很認真地問了一位長輩同樣的問題,得到個答案,她告訴我說談戀愛時要認真的做情人,其它事都別管也別去見他家人. 一旦想到結婚的可能,就只能不落俗套的做那些實際的事,然而這些事都是為了把[情人]加級成[家人],結婚後要倆人做的浪漫的家人,別做務實的情人! 我花了很長時間去了解,婚後終於體會到,希望妳也能找到契合的另一伴. 加油哦!

[wcoco]

i'll choose someone whom i can spend the rest of my life with.

i always believe in this logic:
boyfriends are for fun.
husband is forever.

[amy-the-one]

Hi, anaislee,

I've been your loyal reader for a while.

As for your question,
I'd like to say that
I would choose a man who can be with me
for a life.

I don't buy the romantic type who gives
me the unforgettable moment but actually
that's merely a very tiny part of him.

I have to see the man from top to toes,
and check him out inside and outside,
and all these take some time.

A lot of men are good at making
fake romantic images before their girls.

I don't want to mistake such a guy for
an ideal lover.

How about you?

[Jas]

我喜歡看Sunrise、Sunset這兩部電影，簡單、沒什麼算計、不需要怎麼費力分析，甚至共不共嗚都無所謂。
其實，如果浪漫是做你想做的事、談你想談的話題，那跟現實是可以混為一談的，這一點值得努力，倒不一定非得二者擇一，就像完美是由許多不可勝數的小小好事組成，即便好事發生的同時壞事也接踵而來，完美還是以它獨特的樣式存在著。
我猜想所謂的Unique Soul Mate應該是那個跟你一樣不完美但願意嚐試去追求完美的人。
Anais其實可以再樂觀一點，我覺得。