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陰雨天。
從超市門口木架上一盆盆鮮花盆栽，到市場內食品的陳列，讓我有種走進歐洲市集的錯覺。
這家超市以標榜提供絕對新鮮的食材著名，無論是蔬菜水果、肉品海鮮，乃至乳酪、麵包和醃漬品，看上去都令人食慾大開。這裡還有許多一般超市買不到的進口食品，像是各種葡萄酒、啤酒、飲料、茶葉，以及各國料理的醬料等等。
我喜歡逛這種菜市場，乾淨、溫馨的氣氛，復古的木製陳列架，還有鮮豔欲滴的食物。食物的顏色是那麼多彩繽紛，羅蔓生菜、包心菜、青蔥、甜豆的綠，是各種不同的綠；紅蘿蔔、番茄、甜椒和蘋果的紅也都各不相同。還有各種肉類、魚和乳酪，那些顏色之間細微的差異，構成一本豐富的色彩事典。
那麼飽和強烈的色彩，刺激著我的視覺感官。我對市場裡這些漂亮的食物深深著迷，每次逛市場總是流連忘返。可惜The Fresh Market的東西比其他地方貴，是有錢人的超級市場。像我這種貧窮貴族，大概只能久久才去過一次癮吧。
My French friend Karl used to said, “Unique soul mate doesn’t exist.”
Recently I watched the movie “Before Sunrise” and “Before Sunset”. After I watched them I would like to add another line on Karl’s word—“Perfect soul mate doesn’t exist either.”
In these two movies, Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy are precisely the perfect matched lovers that people always pursue in their lives. When I said “perfect” I refer to their index of compatibility –intellectuality, appearance, and sensuality, which is something that we didn’t know from “Before Sunrise” but it revealed the answer in “Before Sunset”. They must also be compatible on sex otherwise they wouldn’t have it twice at one night. Because they are the perfect lovers for each other therefore Julie was always disappointed of every relationship she has had after Ethan. And Ethan could not find the happiness even though he married a woman who is better than him in many ways.
But how many people have the fortune to find the one in their life who is perfectly compatible with us, as if the circle which lost a corner of itself and finally find it back? Most of us are just not that lucky.
Mr. A is Prince Charming but lacking a brain; Mr. B is a genius like Leonardo Da Vinci, but needs a Takeshi Kaneshiro’s mask to cover his face; Mr. C is smart and handsome but needs to improve his skill in bed. Finally there is a guy who has everything we want, but too shame he is in love with someone else.
Perhaps the real soul mate doesn’t ever exist. It is the theory that Karl always tries to convince me – there is no lover that is irreplaceable. This one gone, the next one comes. We shouldn’t cling to the one who broke our hearts. The next guy will be better. (It’s also possible he’d hurt you deeper though.)
However I like what Julie Delpy said in “Before Sunset”. She said she always remember the detail from each person she met. For instance, the sunlight shines on Ethan’s beard like gold. Those details always touch her heart whenever she recollects this person and that makes each person unique and the memory about this person becomes irreplaceable.
It reminds me someone I used to like. We were co-workers and he always walked me to the train station after work. The happiest fragment in this relationship was not passionate kisses and hugs we had, but it was once we were in crowded cabin on the train, he seek a seat for me to sit down. He was standing in front of me with one hand holding the loop. He lowered head and looked into my eyes silently, and gave me a very gentle smile. At that moment I felt I was his little girl who was to be loved and protected. That smile is always unforgettable to me.
But that was a piece of insignificant detail that I believe he even wouldn’t remember. After that I could never find anyone that would give me that same kind of smile.
Although Ethan and Julie are the perfect couple in the movies, my opinion is that beautiful feeling probably only exists at the circumstance that when two people encounter unexpectedly in foreign land during the compressed time. Therefore they could have non-stop conversations as if they must pour out everything from their life in the short several hours to each other. If finally they have married, the discussion topics wouldn’t just be romantic like life, ideal, love and art; they would also talk about gas price or diapers.
More the shorter love, more the eternal memories. Someone who is nearly perfect in our heart is normally not the one to be with us in the end.
If you have choices, would you rather be the one who is an irreplaceable spark like a shooting star, or the one who is not so special, but is able to walk with him till the end of life?
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我的法國朋友Karl曾經對我說過：「獨一無二的情人不存在。」
最近我把Before Sunset，以及九年前的Before Sunrise都租來看，看完之後，我要在Karl的話後面再加一句：「完美的情人也不存在」。
在這兩部電影裡，Ethan Hawke和Julie Delpy正是許多人一生追求的完美情人的形象──我所謂的完美是指兩個人之間的速配指數──精神上的契合、外型上的登對，還有第一集裡沒有交代，在第二集揭曉的他們到底有沒有做愛，想必在性方面他們也是很融洽的，不然不會一個晚上做了兩次。正因為他們是彼此生命中最完美的情人，以致Julie對後來的每段戀情都感到有所缺憾，而Ethan即使娶了一個比自己在各方面都更好的妻子，生活還是不快樂。
然而有多少人的一生中，可以幸運地碰到各方面都與自己搭配得如此完美的人呢？那就像是缺了一角的圓，終於找到失去的那個部分。大多數的我們都沒有這個福氣。
A有著你夢寐以求白馬王子的外型，可惜說話的時候言不及義；B才華洋溢有如達文西再世，可惜約會時你老是想叫他戴上金城武的面具；C一表人才又聰明過人，可惜在床上沒什麼性趣。當你終於找到集ABC優點之大成的男人，可惜他愛的卻是別人。
所以，真正的soul mate大概並不存在吧？這也是Karl一直對我闡述的論調，沒有一個情人是無可取代的，走了這一個，還會有下一個。因此不需要過分執著在那個讓你傷了心的，下一個男人會更好。(當然也有可能下一個傷你更深。)
然而我還是喜歡Julie Delpy在Before Sunset裡面說的一段話。她說她總是會特別想念某個情人的某個小細節，例如像是陽光映照在Ethan下巴鬍子上面的光芒。這樣的小細節讓她在回憶這個人的時候非常感動，也因為這個細節，讓每個情人都有了獨特性，都是生命中無可取代的一段記憶。
我想起過去喜歡過的一個人。那時候我們在同一個地方工作，每天他會送我去火車站搭火車。那段戀情讓我感覺到最幸福的一個細節，不是那些個月台上難分難捨的吻和擁抱，而是有一次在擁擠的車廂裡，他尋著一個座位讓我坐下，一隻手拉著吊環站站在我面前。高大的他低頭望著我，人群之中我們沒有交談，可是他給了我一個很溫柔的微笑。那一刻我在他的面前變成一個受他保護與寵愛的小女孩，他的那個笑容是我一直很難忘的。
但是那是一個多麼微小而不重要的細節，我相信他根本不記得曾經有過這樣一個片段吧？只是後來再也沒有一個男人，以同樣的姿勢，給我同樣的笑容。
電影中Ethan和Julie雖然是那麼完美的一對，可是我認為那樣美好的感覺，大概只能存在於時間被壓縮、距離被拉長的異國邂逅吧？因此他們才能這樣沒日沒夜地聊個不停，像是要把這一生的話都在短短的幾個小時裡向對方傾吐。如果最終他們結婚了，談論的話題就不會只是生命、理想、情愛與藝術這種聽起來浪漫的話題，多半也要說說今天的油價又漲了、該給孩子買尿布了這種小夫小妻的日常瑣事。
越是短暫的愛情，在記憶中越是永恆。那個在我們心中最接近完美的戀人，恐怕都不是最後跟我們在一起的人。
如果可以選擇，你會寧願做那個如曇花流星般短暫卻無可取代的情人，還是柴米油鹽般平淡卻能夠與他相守一生的伴侶呢？
The Lord will destroy Sodom. He sent two Angels to warn Lot.
"Take your wife, daughters and leave here. Don't look back."
They escaped. The Lord threw down the fire and destroyed Sodom.
But Lot's wife looked back behind them, and she became a pillar of salt.
--Old Testament, Genesis, Chapter 19
I'm the woman who is coagulated by love.
My tears formed a pillar of salt around me.
And you are the only reason that lets me repeatedly look back and would not endure to depart.
I am not a religious person. I believe that there is God, but also there is Buddha. I believe They all have Mercy for us.
However, I start to think that those who are above us, who are unreachable, who actually are very cruel.
Many matters are like two sides of a coin. Mercy and cruelty, happiness and sadness, to have and to lose……He stands aloof and holds a coin in His hand, flipping it between His fingers. He controls our destinies. We are happy in this moment, yet we are going to lose the happiness in the next minute.
God just slightly turned over the coin. I fell into hell from heaven.
I don't believe in Happiness, I don't believe in Hope; I don't believe in Magic, I don't believe in Miracle. I don't believe in Angel, I don't believe in Heaven; I don't believe in Love, I don't believe in God.
They never happen to me.
Satan, you won!
已經有好多年不曾在台灣過新年了，今年卻是在國外過年最快樂的一次。
某人努力讓我快樂。
我說今天是中國新年我不要一個人待在家裡哭；於是我們去Epcot的加拿大館吃大餐。
我在日本館看到搖頭晃腦的小花，我說她好可愛喔我要；他就買了送給我。
Epcot對我們具有特別的意義。還記得那是去年的美食美酒節。當時的我們都還在試探著，猶豫著；像好朋友一樣開心地說笑，其實心裡都有點慌。今年我們卻可以開開心心手牽手走在一起，向所有的陌生人昭告我們是一對戀人，並且計畫著要一起去台灣、Montreal、Paris......已經有很久好久，不曾像這樣感覺到愛著某人也被某人愛著的甜蜜了。
雖然今年還是沒吃到媽媽包的水餃，雖然我在美國沒有任何親人，雖然過中國年吃的是加拿大牛排，可是可是，這是一個讓我獨自開車回家都可以一路微笑著的快樂新年。
Happy Chinese New Year!
很喜歡我現在的生活狀態，一個人住，自由地佈置自己的家。有時間就做一頓飯給自己吃；不想做飯就煮一碗麵或弄一盤沙拉打發。生活中有個有點親密又不會太親密的人，平時各自享受獨處，週末一起度過。也許是到了某種年紀，知道自己要的是什麼，生活中一些瑣碎的小事物，像是在夜晚點上幾支蠟燭、早晨為自己煮一杯卡布奇諾，都覺得是件很快樂的事。
正在寫著這篇文字的同時，忽然發現自從一個人住之後，我每天都渴望趕快下班回家，回到我的小天地裡。記得搬出來之前那一陣子，我寧可在公司待到很晚很晚，或是跟朋友出去玩，很害怕回家，回到家也只是對著電腦跟台灣的親友MSN，然後上床睡覺。現在的我是快樂多了。
我喜歡我的紅沙發，在Pier 1 Imports買的，書架和竹箱籠也是，竹箱籠充當我的咖啡桌，裡面置放我的DVD收藏。每天我都要在我的紅沙發上坐一坐，躺一躺。沙發上那隻小狗是Sam從洛杉磯帶回來給我的。
一直想要一張有著古舊鄉村風格的餐桌，終於用Pier 1的折扣價買到這張桌子。後來又去搬了兩張鄉村風格的椅子回來，雖然跟桌子並不是一套的，可是古銅色鐵扶手的色澤，搭配桌子的原木色，別有一番味道。
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